Taking a step back

This morning the Lord granted me something I deeply needed. Perspective. Somewhere between begging God for sleep and "yelling" at my husband (he calls it yelling, but I think that is up for debate), I had divine clarity.

Henry is currently teething...and growing...and learning...and well, being a baby. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not need or want the amount of sleep that I so graciously bestow upon him. And while seemingly every child around me loves to sleep, I am left with the most wide-eyed baby known to man.

I will never forget the words of Henry's pediatrician, "this is the most tired you will ever be!", just three days after Henry was born. False. False, false, false. Newborn babies sleep so much better than older babies. Older babies are so aware of their surroundings. They have mastered the cognitive concept of "object permanence". What a beautiful thought that my baby knows I still exist after I leave the room. And what a horrible reality for sleep. They have come to realize that they are powerful, tiny humans with great say.

I was not prepared for the reality of night wakings in the later months. I had always assumed it would only get better. And though ultimately I know it will get better, I am still left feeling exhausted and frustrated. I am mainly frustrated with myself, wondering where I may have gone wrong in our sleep training (or lack thereof).

It is in these moments of frustration that the Lord tugs at my heart. When He whispered Isaiah 40:28-31, it reminded me of my utter need for strength from my savior. Not just in the sleepless nights, but in every aspect of motherhood. I know that there will be many more moments where I will question which direction I am to take and whether I have made the right decisions. Ultimately, I will face larger parenting hurdles that have greater consequences than lack of sleep. But what better time to practice relying on my Father than during these small hurdles. I know that I have a God who never grows tired and he has offered to pick up my burden and carry it for me.

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

One day I will look back at this tiny moment in my life and I will see beauty. Those nights of rocking my sweet boy will have vanished, but I know that I will still remember the way he felt in my arms. My sweet bundle of needy joy is such a picture of how I need my Father. He is teaching me daily to follow his lead and give grace and patience to Henry. I am thankful that even when I have a spirit of frustration, the Lord reminds me of the brevity of this season. He reminds me to draw on his strength. All of the sudden a sleepless night isn't so scary.